I’ve often mentioned, here on my blog, that I have been accused of being a ‘justifier’. I accepted my accusation, thought about it and now have to admit that I realized that I am the ultimate justifier.
As a young adult, I recall sitting in my apartment with a dear friend of mine, having one of those indepth, extra special talks with someone that you trust and enjoy every moment with. I recall discussing with her ‘regrets’ that I had in my short, little life. I had regrets of how I had treated people. I now realize my greatest issue was my immature approach in relating to others. My friend’s wise advice back in those days was to forgive myself. Her suggestion was to write letters to those people I had regrets about and either I could send the letters to my desired recipient or just write the letter and stash it away, whichever action would allow me to forgive myself. It was just the advice I needed. From that period in my life forward, I realized a new value in forgiveness. Not only to forgive any and all who cause you pain but to forgive yourself as well for poor decisions or poor behaviours that sometimes linger because of embarrassment or regret. This is how my favourite quote became: Success – you look back in forgiveness, forward in hope and up with gratitude.
With all of that out on the table, I am here to admit to you today that I have been struggling with my feelings of ‘if I knew then what I know now, I would have been married young so I could have many children.’ I have been enjoying Encouraging Hearts at Home blog where she shares her beautiful life with her lovely family, including her eight children.
I never knew how beautiful and wonderful it is to have children. There was actually a period in my relationship with my husband where we discussed not having children; it was an actual option to me. My eyes now fill with tears to think that I may have made the choice never to have the beautiful love that I have for my two little boys.
Two years ago, when I was blessed with my first child, I found out what mothers have been enjoying for generations. Mothers have been able to enjoy that feeling of love for someone who is completely dependent on you, not only for their health but for every contribution to their development. I just never knew that it felt so good to ‘just love’ for a living. My only job in my life is to ‘love’ my family. It is beautiful. Although I am not always in the right mindset to remember what a beautiful privilege it is, I can tell you now that I wouldn’t want to do anything else for a living.
Recently, I have been having the thoughts of “if I had married younger,” I would be able to have many children, spread out over many years so that I could have more children to love for a living. The biggest problem I run into when I have this thought is that I would’ve had to marry someone else and there wasn’t anyone so right for me as the husband I have today. I would never want to imagine my life with anyone else.
How do I wrap my justifying brain around this reoccuring thought?
– It feels so right being where I’m at now, how could I long for anything different?
– The dad my boys have is the example I want them to have.
– I needed the time I had to ‘grow up’ so that I could appreciate being a mom even more.
– A healthy marriage is more important to my children’s well-being then having many siblings when mommy and daddy have an unhealthy relationship.
There it is… That feels better. It is what it is, I can’t change the past so I shall continue to look back in forgiveness, forward in hope and up with gratitude for my perception of success.
photo courtesy www.freedigitalphotos.net