Regrets… I Have A Few

I’ve often mentioned, here on my blog, that I have been accused of being a ‘justifier’.  I accepted my accusation, thought about it and now have to admit that I realized that I am the ultimate justifier. 

As a young adult, I recall sitting in my apartment with a dear friend of mine, having one of those indepth, extra special talks with someone that you trust and enjoy every moment with.  I recall discussing with her ‘regrets’ that I had in my short, little life.  I had regrets of how I had treated people.  I now realize my greatest issue was my immature approach in relating to others.  My friend’s wise advice back in those days was to forgive myself.  Her suggestion was to write letters to those people I had regrets about and either I could send the letters to my desired recipient or just write the letter and stash it away, whichever action would allow me to forgive myself.  It was just the advice I needed.  From that period in my life forward, I realized a new value in forgiveness.  Not only to forgive any and all who cause you pain but to forgive yourself as well for poor decisions or poor behaviours that sometimes linger because of embarrassment or regret.  This is how my favourite quote became:  Success – you look back in forgiveness, forward in hope and up with gratitude.

With all of that out on the table, I am here to admit to you today that I have been struggling with my feelings of ‘if I knew then what I know now, I would have been married young so I could have many children.’  I have been enjoying Encouraging Hearts at Home blog where she shares her beautiful life with her lovely family, including her eight children. 

I never knew how beautiful and wonderful it is to have children.  There was actually a period in my relationship with my husband where we discussed not having children; it was an actual option to me.  My eyes now fill with tears to think that I may have made the choice never to have the beautiful love that I have for my two little boys. 

Two years ago, when I was blessed with my first child, I found out what mothers have been enjoying for generations.  Mothers have been able to enjoy that feeling of love for someone who is completely dependent on you, not only for their health but for every contribution to their development.  I just never knew that it felt so good to ‘just love’ for a living.  My only job in my life is to ‘love’ my family.  It is beautiful.  Although I am not always in the right mindset to remember what a beautiful privilege it is, I can tell you now that I wouldn’t want to do anything else for a living.

Recently, I have been having the thoughts of “if I had married younger,” I would be able to have many children, spread out over many years so that I could have more children to love for a living.  The biggest problem I run into when I have this thought is that I would’ve had to marry someone else and there wasn’t anyone so right for me as the husband I have today.  I would never want to imagine my life with anyone else. 

How do I wrap my justifying brain around this reoccuring thought? 

 – It feels so right being where I’m at now, how could I long for anything different?

 – The dad my boys have is the example I want them to have.

 – I needed the time I had to ‘grow up’ so that I could appreciate being a mom even more.

 – A healthy marriage is more important to my children’s well-being then having many siblings when mommy and daddy have an unhealthy relationship.

There it is…  That feels better.  It is what it is, I can’t change the past so I shall continue to look back in forgiveness, forward in hope and up with gratitude for my perception of success.

photo courtesy www.freedigitalphotos.net

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5 thoughts on “Regrets… I Have A Few

  1. This is a great post that spoke directly to me on two different levels. The first was about forgiveness, which is one of the hardest and most necessary traits that we as Christians must possess. Forgiving is not always easy, but it really helps a person to mature in the long run. The boss at my last job was such a horrible person who belittled me on a daily basis. After I left that job I actually had a hard time forgiving her for how badly she treated me. I had to realize that forgiving her was something I had to do in order to free myself from all of the pent up anger I had towards her. Plus, I’m sure she’s continuing to live her life and isn’t even thinking about me! Lol.

    The second part was about the children. I absolutely cannot wait until the day I marry my girlfriend and we begin to start our family. We’re both 26 and there are times when I wish we’d met each other sooner than we did. My parents married and had me at a very young age. I’ve never wanted to be too close to 30 when I have kids (I want to be reasonably young when our kids are growing up), but I realize that having kids, regardess of what age we’ll be, is a blessing in itself and I know that we’ll be preapred to do the best job we can of raising them.

    • It is wonderful that you were able to forgive your boss. It is sadly true that she probably wasn’t thinking of you; perhaps she was like me and crying to her pal about how mean she had been to you. 😉
      It is the most beautiful feeling to have a child. I am so glad to hear you’re looking forward to it, your lady will be blessed to have a daddy for your children who cares so much!
      Thank you for sharing.

  2. I once wrote down all the bad things I had done and then threw the letter in a burning woodstove. God had forgiven me, I then needed to forgive myself. I have forgiven others for their poor treatment of me— I hand it to God and say, “Here, you take this, you are the perfect judge. You can hand down a more just sentence than I can.”

    We all have regrets in life. I think of things I should have done differently, but we can’t go back and change the past. The thing to do is to make this day count, and make the right choice– with as much wisdom that is available– and go on.

    Maybe your life right now is how it is supposed to be…

    • I believe my life is just as it should be, you’re right. Super idea to write it all down and throw it in the fire. Wow, that would be a powerful moment, a relief and so much more.
      As always, your insight is wonderful, inspiring, true and more. Thank you!

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